Monday, August 8, 2011

speaking of hypocrites

Top of my list: politicians. Thank you for the goddamn mess you made. The economy is in the crapper; national security is still (way) in the crapper with more troops dying senselessly every day; the stock market is going straight to the crapper and taking us all down with it; and the only people benefiting from all this generous onslaught of crap are the politicians who got us here. Meanwhile they never have to take a pay cut, their perks are not in any danger of being curtailed, and their jobs are pretty much secure for the duration of their terms (and according to the incumbent reelection statistics, apparently well beyond them too). They champion one thing from one corner of their mouth and vote for the opposite from the other corner. Hence their top billing on my hypocrite shit list.

I have had it up to here [raising arm way above head] with the blatant national hypocrisy and all around effortless duplicity. Let’s take off the kiddy gloves (i.e. this is not a PG post, reader beware) and actually hold some people accountable for their actions, shall we?


Claiming gays are an abomination and getting caught in flagrante delicto in the very same abominable state: Yeah, yeah, the bible says don’t lie with another man, blah, blah, blah. This very same esteemed document also condemns to death anyone who works the Sabbath, sees no problem with you selling your daughter as a slave, allows you to own slaves yourself (provided you buy them from adjoining counties), and finds planting two different seeds in the same field or wearing two different fabrics at the same time punishable by death by stoning! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that it’s not to be followed verbatim. Keep in mind that it's roughly 2000 years old, and it was never 100% accurate or reliably transcribed in the first place. But that’s beside the point. If you, Senator Larry Craig, want to use your neighborhood airport to get your jollies, have the guts to admit that getting blown but not necessarily flown is what you are really after. And you, Congressman Mark Foley, pages are not your private boy-toys, they work for the government not your personal harem, so get a ruler and measure it yourself. And you, Bob Allen, member of the Florida H. of R., since you're so intent on severely penalizing offenses involving “unnatural and lascivious acts”, how much do you think your $20 blowjob in a men’s room in a public park should be fined? Prostitution and homosexuality and dogging... tsk tsk, that's gonna cost you! 

Do it man, talk the talk and walk the walk. Truth will set you free!




Claiming you will work tirelessly to restore America then hanging on to the status quo for dear life: Your intentions are wonderful but it’s not enough to mean well. Yes, I agree, we need to fix this mess, because, as stated above, the shit has already hit the fan, the air-conditioning, the ceiling, the roof, the dog, the cat and the mailman. We need people who will work at solving this mess, not perpetuating it ad nauseam just to stay employed. Not people who claim they care about their country, or their state, or their constituents, but actually devote most of their time in public office lining their own and their biggest contributors’ pockets. Which industry allows you to spend half of your payday on getting hired by another company??? I mean it, which one? Tell me, coz I could see myself working there.

There is something inherently wrong with our whole campaigning system, where you can disappear from your job for days and weeks at a time and use other people’s money to get a better job elsewhere where you would reload and repeat as needed. I could maybe get behind this warped system if only the actual job was actually getting done somewhere, somehow, in the interim. 

Can we just fire everyone and start over with proper interviews, as done in every respectable business? How about we try this line of questioning:
  • “Do you see a conflict of interest between your personal pursuits and the job you will hold *cough* Dick Chaney *cough*? Yes? Thank you for your response to our job opening but that position has already been filled by someone who actually gives a damn” or
  • "Do you think you would want to quit mid-term to follow your financial ventures elsewhere *cough* Sarah Palin *cough*? Yes? Thank you for your service and don’t ever apply here ever again, you opportunistic-fuckwit-parasite” or even
  •  “Are you a team player *cough* name of member of the U.S. Congress *cough*? No? Thank you for your interest in our government and good luck with your future endeavors, we already have enough fuckups here as it is.
See? Not that hard.




Claiming “When I’m president, I will [fill in the blank with your favorite empty campaign promise]": Okay Obama, I get it, your predecessor was a solipsistic douchebag and you inherited a gigantic turd of a mess.  You didn’t have to have 20-20 vision to see that you needed to do three things right away: 1) roll up your sleeves, 2) end the wars, and 3) fix the economy. That’s why we hired you. You may have rolled up your sleeves (and if I may, you do look dashing in them you sexy mocha man), but you didn’t get anything done. Except slowly lose your credibility by bending over backwards so far as to make your fanny readily available as a repository for anyone with a penis. 

Pick up your balls off the floor, yes I know they are humongous, you did sing their praises in your campaign promises and we* believed you, yes, that’s it, pick them up, put them back in your shorts where they belong, and lead goddamnit! No, no, don’t think outside the box, don’t come up with another re-haul of a flawed entitlement program as you did with the healthcare system which, granted needed changing but not quite as desperately as other more imperative national matters, just take care of the problems on your desk right now! Get the troops home and cut some expenses or raise some revenue or do something so we can pay our debtors. To continue with the scatological metaphor, time to drop your deuce my friend or get off the pot! 

I know this is a long shot, but may I be so bold as to suggest applying your reelection campaign money to the national debt? It’s a win-win, believe me, you don’t want to keep doing this job plus you are not that good at it. You will be happier elsewhere, trust me, an erudite lawyer like you, they will eat you up at any prestigious university. Or you can build houses for Habitat for Humanity where, at least, you will put a roof over someone's head not take it away.

* * * * *

Phew! There, I feel a little better. Please feel free to disagree with me while I go figure out how to circumvent the AA+ credit rating from screwing me royally. And go to Costco to stock up on small batteries before they run out.





*By we I actually mean the American people. In the spirit of full disclosure I must admit that, even though I am a registered Democrat (for now), I voted for the Green Party and not Obama, because they had the balls to run a woman on their presidential ticket. And because Obama lost my vote when he didn’t pick Hillary for vice-president (he could have made history twice but he squandered the perfect opportunity and I couldn’t forgive him for that). And because when something sounds too good to be true, it usually is.







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