dear friends and family,

As I haven’t seen any of you around here yet, I am assuming that you are either still at the gate, getting your visa clearance, or were left behind on earth. Since I seem to still have Wi-Fi for the time being, I am posting from what I am assuming is the entryway to heaven, as I have seen neither Adam nor Eve thusfar. There’s a guy named Peter who is apparently in charge, but nobody has seen him since this morning, he must be on a really long lunch break. Not a very good time to take a break, if you ask me, this place is packed, and there is only one way in (through the big doors by the big clouds at the end of the entryway).

I am not one to complain, but so far, this rapture business has not been very smooth at all! First of all, I was enjoying a chocolate ice cream and mid-spoonful I was yanked up and away (have no idea where my spoon ended up or for that matter what happened to the rest of my ice cream, it was damn good, wish I had it with me now). The ride, if you can call it that, was bumpy at best. My hair got severely messed up from the windy conditions and since there are neither brushes nor mirrors in here, I have no idea what I look like nor can I do anything about it. But I am grateful to be at least better off than this guy I met who is still waiting for somebody to give him back his missing arm. He swears he lost it in a battle, he’s looking at me like I would vouch for him or something, and I’m thinking “good luck buddy with your pre-existing condition”. They eventually sent him to where a bunch of people were waiting in a cordoned-off area, all covered up in ashes, who apparently need more time to get “processed”. I bet they’re the ones holding the line…

The service here is very slow, we have not yet had anything to eat and I’m starving. Though I wouldn’t in a million years shave my head and walk around naked wrapped in a sheet, like this Indian guy I met, talking gibberish about a hunger strike. Of course I said nothing to him, just gave him the “I don’t agree with you but I’m not saying anything” eye roll. That’s so rude. Not quite as rude as this woman Rosa I met on the bus on the way over here, who insisted on boarding first and sitting at the front of the bus. Some people feel so entitled, it really peeves me. I wanted to say “we’ll all get there, lady, back of the bus goes to the same place as the front” but I’m not one to make waves. She was wearing this retro hat, which I kind of dig, actually, but the gloves were a bit much.

Anywhoo, there are lots of people here looking for their family. They look so happy when they do, hugging and kissing each other. Some people are weird though. This man found three of his wives but he is still not happy. They’re a little upset with him too, truth be told, they don’t know which one to put him up with, since obviously, polygamy is out of the question. Lots of mother-son, father-daughter type reunions, though sometimes it’s hard to tell who is what just by their ages. 

I have not seen anybody I know yet except for my old college roommate, but I’m still not in the main entry where the big list is posted. So I don’t know who I’m rooming with yet. I hope it’s not her, I could barely stand her then, she was too goodie-goodie for my taste, always wanting me to sing hymns with her, as if!

FYI:

There are two men who keep following me everywhere since I got here and giving me the evil eye. They keep checking something in their ipad looking device and talking to each other in this silent kind of language. I’m not panicking but I have to admit it’s a little unsettling. I’m not getting a bad vibe from them; they’re just making me feel like I don’t belong in their little club or something. Maybe I’m not supposed to blog. I better log off.

C U L8R ALLIG8RZ!